March 2012
1 post
i've moved.
http://arrangeddissarray.tumblr.com/
December 2011
5 posts
Holiday(s)
Funny way of ending up alone. This year’s excuse is work. I should be used to it by now. Mostly weary. Eventually there will be something worth spending traditions on. For now I have just me.
Anonymous asked: Two years ago, in one of your firsts posts you wrote, "Here is to hoping i found a small bit of stability." I hope you found that somewhere along the way. Happy Birthday Christopherjp.
Anonymous asked: I couldn't sleep last night, so I came here. I know that's a silly thing to hear from a stranger. I often come here because your words seem to offer some kind of comfort, although they are just divulging on little pieces of your mind. I hope everything is well with you.
Love to a child, was to be pleasant and caring. To promote sacrifice, and altruistic giving.
To me it was absent. It was to become an idea, fluid, with motion. I took in song, media, various sources to define this mystery. No real truth, only ideas of how things ought to be.
The idea came to be something to be sought, understood, then grasped. Lifetimes in years, many relationships, people,...
November 2011
5 posts
It would seem love or lust, plays a large part in my creative mind. I need a muse.
Not being asked to stay, has always been a good enough reason to leave.
tumblr.
Has become a place of unoriginality, and a flood of repeated images. Everyone is just impersonating who they want to be. False emulation.
October 2011
1 post
Americans
Possess strange sense of entitlement. They see anothers cake, in some way they “deserve” their piece. You ask for things you have not earned. You complain that others steal your jobs, you let them take them. You fear immigration because educated people from other countries come, and again achieve and find opportunity where you do not.
Live by your own efforts, not by the hands of...
September 2011
5 posts
“I have never been more picky about women in my entire life. I find that...”
– ..Yeah, woman is a devil.
You were simple to figure out.
You mock a frailty. You say you wish for this perfect man, partner, lover. In reality you flirt shamelessly with any one who will fill a certain aspect. All those jilted devoted, simply filling your needs, piecing together all your wants. Satiating your desire to be validated, worthwhile, significant. Keeping all just in orbit. Never quite letting anyone land.
“A mans sexual choice is the result and sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell...”
– Atlas Shrugged
Autumn
First rays of the morning sun. Light edges in, tracing curves, a slender figure. Slumber escaping a restless mind. A faint breath, the rise, the fall. Moments escape, like sand though fingertips, a moment to pass. Nothing more, nothing less.
Vacuous
Leaping one heart to the next.
Amidst the impermeable conundrum of chaos.
Still I whisper your name to a vacuous room.
Bleak monuments speak nothing in return.
A cautious thought rendering whence it came.
Memories flicker like slides in a childhood toy.
Fading recollections no longer fill or beg of a desire.
A piece of time dubiously etches places long past.
A calm...
August 2011
1 post
Its about time to discover who I am.
June 2011
1 post
I don’t feel much these days. Even for the people that once meant the world. Nothing. No long term lasting emotions. There are moments, brief, then they are gone and I am left pondering the lack thereof.
I want to feel something.
May 2011
5 posts
I have been having these dark thoughts lately, thoughts that should scare me. They don’t, and I think that scares me the most.
I read too deep into everything. All the small things in life. I can fall in love instantly. A simple brush of a finger, meaningless touches here and there. I lose track of things. My mind has been a blur lately. The days seem to blend in and out, and every day feels like the last was like a dream.
i have lost a hold of myself. i am just going through the motions. maybe that’s all i have ever done. highly reactant hardly active.
Anonymous asked: storm or cloud, neither make their mark anyways.
I hardly make an effort to be in any one’s life. I once told a friend enjoy the passing storms. It turned out that I too, was just a cloud.
I am sorry.
April 2011
7 posts
I intend to experience complete and total ego death this week.
Anonymous asked: i can honestly tell you that it's so easy to relate to everything you are going through right now. i've gotten to a point where i've forgotten about my priorities, and feel like i've confined myself into this black hole, that i can't seem to escape. at one point, i did feel on top of everything, but that lasted for a mere moment. i try not to dwell, but when there's...
I am all alone now.
Not a single person relies on me now. I serve no special purpose to anyone.
Kicked my roommate out today.
One way or another I find a reason to push everyone away.
Anonymous asked: It's not your fault.
Not one.
The downward spiral to cynicism, bitterness and pessimism is short. It’s quite easy when no one stays in my life for no more than a year. My father didn’t stay even a day. When not one person in twenty two years of life has endured or found something to stay for, it is not hard to begin to wonder if the fault is my own.
It's nothing even I can explain.
Nor do I necessarily care to. The sentiment is off.
March 2011
21 posts
I function not dissimilar to a mirror. I project a reflection of those who surrounds me, and of who I believe is found more acceptable. I pick up traits and mannerisms like a sponge. I am not sure who I am. I hardly know me at all and when I attempt to reverse this all I find is various shades of a part I played at one point or the other.
Anonymous asked: a lot of the things i thought i understood about you slowly unraveled. i'm not sure i ever knew you.
The only difference between arrogance and confidence is presentation.
Dear _____,
We don’t talk anymore. I thought it would be harder. I think I just got used to it. I still think about you everyday. About how things were, how life was. I tried to break myself so I could understand you better. In a lot of ways I am still there. In that place we parted. Your life is new now. I suppose I should be happy, it was always nice to see you smile. I am glad you are not here...
The ghost of who you were meant to be still haunts me.
No one will know you like I did, that person is...
I'm bitter, pessimistic, and cynical, still I...
‘I miss you and I wish I could say I missed the way we used to be, but what I miss isn’t what we ever were. I’m stuck in the shadow of a past that never even existed, and still I can’t tell myself that I don’t love you anymore. My heart burns at the thought of you now, and I don’t remember it ever being like that. I would leave for just one night with you, where...
People die everyday. It bothers me that tragedy is the only way people pay attention.
Two dead by the time you read this, eight thousand by the time you eat dinner, and a hundred thousand when you lay your head down to sleep.
“Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how...”
– Nathaniel Hawthorne (via story-dj)
I'm not afraid of losing you. I'm afraid of never...
A sigh.
You boast a significance. An idea common to most.
That you matter. An innocent nativity, that someone is hanging on your every word.
However it seems people are just brief sighs in the depths of life and the words become of less consequence.
Meager distractions from something else. Nothing; never more, or any less.
A tantalizing splash of rain pours hope for spring.
I will never be able to show you who I am. I can,...
Despite it all, I still want your presence here.
Once there was a time when love, I had hoped, was the answer. It was the purpose, the cause and the effect. Most of all, it was a reason.
A break from reasonable thought. A last unknown. Love, in its ever growing illusions of grandeur. An idea beyond comprehension unless the story is your own.
I just wanted a story.
Yet because love stood as an idea, it allows its meaning to be fluid. Its...
Thoughts rendered askew. A lapse in memory and time. Facts and figures etched away to nothingness.
A keen sense of awareness. Pulse heightens, fingertips to flesh. Contours, drawn and lined. Tomes of the body explored and read.